Musings
One Moment in Time
Always remember, time is relative.
“Just a second!”
Invariable snarky reply, “One-one-thousand. Time’s up!”
What we really mean to say is, “just a moment.”
While most of us would barely use all of our fingers and toes counting the things that can be started and finished in a literal second, the list of things you can do in a moment... is infinite.
A moment is the perfect amount of time to spend making a connection
with your family member,
your friend,
or your client.
Let them know you made some progress on something you're doing for them,
or that you noticed a way in which you could be helping them.
Tell them thanks for the contribution they make to making your life a little better.
Heck, start by
simply mentioning
that you’re thinking
about them.
A moment is the perfect amount of time
to turn toward someone
and cultivate your relationship.
And because time is relative, your moment is likely to seem
much bigger to its recipient than it did to you.
The positive feelings that result from receiving a moment can last...
days? weeks? months?
The best news is that
you
have
many,
many
free
moments
in every single day.
Give away one moment today.
A Problem Half-Solved
Charles Kettering once famously said,
“A problem well-stated is a problem half-solved.”
Mr. Kettering is among the more accomplished engineers and inventors in American history, so it’s easy to read his quote and apply it to physical manifestations of problems.
Much more difficult is to apply the same principle to disagreements in business and personal relationships.
The common tendency is to experience a disagreement and rush headlong into patching it with a quick fix.
But disagreements between people are, for the most part, somewhat more nuanced than, say, a flat tire…
What’s being lost in the usual rush to placate is a prime opportunity to uncover any problems that are at the root of the disagreement…
Ergo, the chance to truly solve those problems.
Better then, to slow down and take full stock of the details of the disagreement. Then, you can apply a process for finding and implementing a solution that creates a resolution.
This requires equal parts maturity and clarity.
E.g.,
Look.
See.
Imagine.
Create.
Or,
Listen
Ask & Understand
Validate
Or,
Question.
Hypothesis.
Prediction.
Experiment.
Observation.
Analysis.
Conclusion.
The crux is whether the problem
has, in fact, been identified and clearly-stated.
Order of Operations
Everything we’ll ever do has an order.
No matter what task we pursue, there’s some sort of natural progression that will have to be followed.
It’s the scientific formula,
or the creative process,
or astronomy,
or history,
or meteorology,
or architecture…
Even water follows some rules as it flows.
When we encounter a progression that doesn’t have an easily-discernible set of steps that has to be strictly adhered to, it’s easy to get ourselves into trouble.
Business can present these kinds of tripwires every single day.
It’s tempting — sometimes easy — to mis-prioritize profits…
over knowledge,
over training,
over marketing,
over mission,
or eventually…
over people.
Genius Feels Good
I just left a creative meeting for a scenic design I've been working on. There was a participant to this meeting that I had never worked alongside in this capacity before, and with whom I was tremendously impressed...
His outpouring of ideas and solutions, along with a very thorough consideration of possible needs was far beyond what I had expected.
It was such a splendid showing that it sparked a joy in me during what would have otherwise been a fairly mundane, middle-of-the-process meeting.
The whole experience got me to thinking about what it means to be a master of something — to appear to others as a genius.
genius — exceptional intellectual or creative power or other natural ability.
All the circumstances and timing aside, being (or at least outwardly appearing to be) a genius is really is no more than a matter of sincere, tenacious attention to something specific.
Any person who devotes this kind of attention to a particular subject develops that kind of evolutionary understanding about it.
Not only that, but it feels good, too.
Right, Pete?
It's pure genius.
That Which is Like Unto Itself...
The reason that we do it
is that we have been conditioned to behave
as reactionary creatures…
We are taught to observe the things that we don’t want
many times more frequently
than we observe the things that we do want.
In fact, most people will spend their lives
expecting some form of a bonus reward
for finding and exposing a problem.
What’s worse, most people are taught
that merely pointing at a problem
is good enough.
We are taught that only the rare few win the high-risk gambit
of imagining and seeking solutions…
so don’t even begin.
Problem-finding is the safe space —
the judgement-free zone
where it’s easy to deflect and redirect blame.
The unfortunate few who occupy the unreachable ladder rungs in the clouds
must bear the burden of manufacturing solutions.
The trouble is personal.
Because while it’s normal to see, identify, and dismiss things that we don’t want, when we are rewired to expect a reward for being problem-focused, we forget how naturally rewarding and easy it is to be solution-focused — to see and accept the things that we do want. Eventually it becomes such an ingrained part of our habitual thought process that when we examine problems, the very best that we think we can do is not perpetuate them.
It’s not always necessary to see a bunch of problems for the sake of finding a solution.
The shortest distance
to knowing what you want
is not a winding path
through every thing you don’t.
If you’re seeing an abundance of problems...
Stop.
Remaster the solution-finding skills
that you were born with.
Worth Not Fighting About
It makes for great cinema to see heroes vanquishing their enemies by pummeling them into submission or terminating them entirely.
In a civilized society, though?
Most philosophers would cite fighting, warfare, and death as extreme last options. Even the healthiest perspectives on M.A.D. resemble some form of finding mutual understanding before annihilating the world.
If I can’t destroy my enemies, what then?
First thing first — scale it down a bit, Hulk.
Access your inner Bruce.
We’re at work, in line at the grocery store, sitting in a negotiation, making dinner with a spouse or partner, learning about life with the kids… we’re not saving the universe in the nick of time.
Signals are the key.
When we take on a posture of defiance, resistance, aggression or any other form of drawing a proverbial line in the sand, we render ourselves virtually incapable of one of our most super superpowers — empathy.
From any closed mental posture, it’s nearly impossible to understand anyone else’s perspective. What’s worse, you send a signal of rejection to whomever is on the other side of the argument from you.
”Don’t bother trying to communicate with me, I refuse to listen.”
(see also: “Surrender or die.”)
Instead, take an opportunity to recast your argument in someone else’s terms, based upon how they see the world around them. This gives them a chance to ascertain on their own whether adopting your vision fits in with what they want, need, or think that they know. Send a signal of acceptance and willingness to understand something other than what’s sent you hurtling down your tunnel in the first place.
”Does this make sense to you? Why or why not?”
You might find that this process helps to ultimately strengthen your position.
You might find that this process helps you to learn about a misgiving in your own worldview.
You will definitely find that your odds of changing someone else’s mind increase exponentially.
When an outcome is important, it’s worth not fighting about.
Intrinsic Value Over Relative Value
It’s easy to look at your company, then look at a competitor’s company and start drawing contrasts so that you can sell in your favor.
In fact, the odds are extraordinarily high that that’s what your competitors are all doing right back at you.
What if you didn’t have that crutch to lean on?
What if you didn’t have to have that crutch to lean on?
What if you tapped into the intrinsic value of your company?
What if you were to forget about everyone else that you spend so much energy pushing against?
Would you discover that that’s enough to carry you over the hurdle of needing to contrast your value with that of others?
Would it change the conversations you have — the connections you make — with your prospective clients?
Would it take that crutch away from your competition?
Discover what it is to just be, without pushing against the rest of your marketplace.
If you can do this, you may find that your company is exactly what you and your clients are looking for just as it is, with all of its differences gloriously bared.
Your value is so much more than relative.
Be in the marketplace — be in the market — for yourself.
P.S. The other side of this coin is that your clients are going to be who they are. The wise will adjust their expectations accordingly.
What are You Selling?
Time
Specific Outcomes
Value
You can only put a price on one of these three at a time. Which is lucky, because your client can really only buy one at a time (more on this in a future post).
Your ability to communicate exactly which one you are selling will alleviate your clients’ sense of hesitation now, and the feeling of having fallen victim to a bait and switch later.
Let’s put this all into practical context… Let’s say your client needs you to build… a box.
If you sell time, the deal boils down to an hourly wage. Your client knows you’re working on their box for whatever amount of time you’ve agreed upon. You agree to bill them your hourly fee for that number of hours. They know that if you exceed the amount of hours they’ve purchased, they will have to buy more time or another pack of hours if they want more work from you. What they don’t know is whether or not you will be able to get their box completely built before time runs out — and it’s this exchange rate that is the key. They take on the risk of having paid you and of still not having a box. Additionally, if the box is 85% complete, they have to pay someone to complete that box, and it may as well be you. Careful here, as no one enjoys the feelings of being past the point of no return and/or of being handcuffed to a service provider (see also, major cable providers).
If you’re selling specific outcomes, your client has the benefit of knowing exactly what they are going to pay for a completed box. “We’re going to produce this box for $X.” However, you may not have a complete understanding of how much time it’s going to take you (except, maybe if you are selling an automated box). You take on the risk of putting in the extra hours if it’s a particularly complex box or if materials fail or run out, etc… Here, the client knows they are getting a box and you know you are getting $X. Once the deal is made, the risk then shifts to you. If you complete the box to specification before the deadline, your profits increase. If it takes longer, your profits decrease. For the client, nothing changes; they get their box for the money they paid.
If you sell value, the deal might be set up differently. Early on, you and the client might figure that the box will generate X dollars for them over an easy period to track (a year, two, five, etc…). You agree to provide the box in the beginning, but also agree to maintain the box, ensuring that it achieves certain key performance levels. This requires an unspecified amount of time and resources. The client trades a minimal upfront investment to get the project funded, as well as some kind of a bonus structure that they pay to you later on once milestones are met. You get paid more over a longer period, and the client comes as close as possible to a guaranteed financial return on their investment.
When we come to the negotiating table and enter the conversation without understanding what these three categories really are, we tend to want to sell across more than one of them, usually by erroneously associating the elements of a value sale with a time or outcome deliverable. “Buy these hours and think of the long term value.” “Buy this item and think of the potential ROI.”
What’s worse, the confusion (or obfuscation if you’re up to no good) makes us appear smarmy (and, well… up to no good), or at least a bit inexperienced.
It happens all the time on car lots, for example. “If this car is so fantastic, why do I need to also purchase a warranty?” Simple. Because even though the salesperson pitched a car that will never break and that will retain its resale value for all of eternity (value pitches), all they can really sell you is a physical deliverable: this car, in this color, with this set of feature options.
But the instinct that we have to ask why we would need a warranty is correct. And this misalignment between what is ‘sold’ to typical car buyers and what they actually buy is what informs a stereotype of car salespeople. The best car salespeople rise above the muck and focus on the things they can actually sell — the rest do their best, but as we know, the stereotype persists.
Back to the box… when we are unclear in our communication, our clients then go into a project thinking that they are buying a block of time and that within that amount of time you are guaranteeing that you’re going to build a box and that the box is going to have a certain sustained value over a reasonable term. Meanwhile, in reality, we are offering no guarantee of time or income or value, but we are making requirements of a client to make their investment... a massive communication rift, not to mention a severe imbalance in the share of the risk.
What usually winds up happening is your client doesn’t know what they’re buying, or they proceed as if they are lost, or they ignore a risk they perceive and hope everything will just turn out fine (like a warranty on a car), or they come up with their own thoughts on what they are buying and if neither of you communicate clearly at the negotiating table what that is, you could each be going forward with ideas that ultimately oppose each other. Now you’re both set up for disappointment or disagreements in the long run.
None of this is to say that any of these situations is wrong or better than the other. Neither is it to say that these three things cannot be combined in some ways. It is to say that clarity is a key principle of profitable communication for all involved.
If you’re interested in a long-term relationship with your client that everyone benefits from, then it is important that they understand, with great and open specificity, what they are buying:
“You want us to produce a box. We believe it will require X hours. Even though you want a box, you are buying X hours and our work will end once we dispense those hours.”
“You want us to produce a box. A box costs a flat rate of $X. You are buying a box.”
“You want a box that provides a specific range and type of ROI. We need $X to produce the box and $X to maintain the box and ensure that it produces the ROI you seek.”
Even if your deal does cross over into more than one of these areas, be explicit in communicating what those are. “You are buying a minimum of X hours of my time, and you are going to pay $X bonus if we reach this specific milestone of these key performance indicators down the road.” That’s okay.
Always articulate to your client precisely what they are buying; time, a specific deliverable, or value. Be explicit.
Make sure that your clients understand what they are paying, what they are risking and what their known and yet-unknown rewards will be. Be explicit.
Having these tough, open conversations about money and expectations will help you to have a deeper understanding of what your clients want. Most importantly, you’ll establish the trust needed to build a lasting relationship.
Time… and the Oral Tradition
This post is inspired by my eldest daughter’s 6th birthday party. In truth, it’s the second 6th birthday party we’ve given her, in part because we were busy on her actual birthday and in part because she’s our first child
and like many parents,
we don’t know
if there’s ever really enough doting on our children we can do…
Every year, on their respective birthdays, I like to recount the stories of their births to my daughters
(as the only credible eye-witness).
I like to tell them
of their mother’s bravery
and tenacity,
affirming to them
that their admiration of her is well-placed.
I like to tell them
of their own personal good fortune
in overcoming obstacles
to arrive safely in this world,
and the sacred lesson to be gleaned and extrapolated from shedding the umbilical cord and replacing it with mouth and lungs.
My favorite part of their birth stories
is recounting the first moments that I or their mother got to (finally) hold them in our arms, close to our hearts.
I tell them about how indescribably full of joy and love we were at their simply being...
Still are.
Each time I tell it, I hope they will become infused with a deeper understanding of why we will always think of them each, in part,
as the same infant we laid eyes upon the first day they drew breath.
I tell my children the stories of their birth
in part because I am their father
and I want them to have the best possible idea
of how much they are loved
by me and by their mother.
But I also tell them
because I don’t know the story of my birth.
In fact, I know very little of any of my history that would qualify as family history — passable only by the oral tradition.
As it turns out, having a strong oral tradition in one’s family lends to better clinical and educational outcomes —
higher levels of self-esteem and greater interest and success in impacting one’s own paths in life.
Our stories make us more resilient, stronger.
The more proficient we are at sharing our stories with one another, the more life-capable we become.
The work that I do every day directly impacts the lives of the very people I do it for.
I’m fortunate that that work is distilled down to
the ability to tell stories
and to communicate who my clients are,
who their companies are,
and what kinds of relationships they want to have with their own clientele.
I’d be silly to say I’m as proud of that as I am proud to be my children’s father…
But I’m incredibly proud of my clients,
whose stories are still being woven
through the fabric of our time.
Cracking the Geode
Geodes are fun! They are generally (though not always) spherical rocks that can be obtained and smashed open to reveal gems that have formed inside. It’s a delightful way to spend a couple of hours. Some even turn out to be decor-worthy.
The thing about a geode, though, is that it can only be smashed open once.
On a recent trip to Washington D.C., I took the chance to check out the Museum of Natural History. There, they have many various types of geodes opened and on display.
I can’t recount the specifics of how geodes are formed, except to say that it takes many, many years… centuries.
And with a single crack, their formation comes to an abrupt halt.
The more I marveled at this, the more I began to realize a parallel between the geodes and human relationships — business or personal.
You can cultivate and grow a relationship for years, strengthening it and knowing that the inner-workings of that relationship are growing ever-more beautiful with each interaction.
Until the day you break it.
Then, you’ll only be left wondering if the gems you’ve found in exchange are worth the relationship you’ve lost.
Resist Resistance?
My oldest child never wants to go to bed at bedtime. I know it’s probably an intermittent phase, but for dramatic effect, I’ll still add — ever.
What she does want is to play all day in the sunshine (or any weather, really), read a litany of books, attend every conceivable activity, have all of her friends over to play a few rousing rounds of the game I affectionately call “Going Absolutely Berserk for Hours at a Time,” and many, many more.
The first item represents an obligation.
The list of other items represent choices.
Now, she’s still too young yet for me to go trailing very far off into the interdependent nature of the two (choices beget obligations beget choices beget…), or that, relatively speaking, there are an infinitesimally few truly obligatory obligations in this universe; but an important point must be made about a developing human’s mindset regarding obligations, choices and the distinction between the two.
Evidence from our five-plus year experiment seems to indicate that it’s in our nature to sometimes resist our obligations, and it may or may not help to understand that our obligations often come to us by our choices or that they support access to our choices (full disclosure: I’m in my 40s and I still don’t want to go to bed at bedtime)...
Even still, our obligations are what they are.
An obligation is not a choice.
Resisting the distinction only serves to frustrate.
There is freedom in getting on with whatever we’re obliged to do.
I give my kiddo kudos for owning her choices. She plays, reads, participates, and goes bananas without a hint of shame — the proud owner of her choices even in the rare instance when one of them wears on her a bit.
We still work on recalling those times when we wished we had made a different choice, but that will come with time and practice.
If you made a choice and you like it, it’s your life.
Affirm the value of your choice.
If you made a choice and you don’t like it, it’s still your life.
Embrace the simple, clarifying knowledge that you have a choice.
If you’re faced with an obligation…
Do yourself a favor and just get on with it.
The trouble will very rarely be the obligation or the choice.
It’s more often the resistance.
Resist the resistance.
Until Somebody Loves You
You might think that everyone loves your product(s) or service(s).
That’s not true.
You might think that nobody likes you or your work.
That’s not true.
The truth is that someone does love your product(s) or service(s).
Better yet, they love the way that you deliver them.
You will be at the height of your effectiveness when you fully understand the semantics of those two statements.
And not a moment before.
Be you, doing you.
Somebody loves you.
The Way It Is
You’re allowed to be wrong.
You are allowed to be wrong… a lot.
You will be wrong just about every time…
Until you are right.
It’s the music of life.
There’s not really another option.
Mental Massage
Your ego...
is essential.
Beware any notion that your ego is fundamentally good or evil;
and false conflations of ego and arrogance...
Your ego is what you tell it to be.
Nothing more or less.
It's what creates the impetus or finds the path for you
to preserve the theories you hold about yourself.
Positive or negative.
Your ego is like a scientist set to work at proving whatever story you tell it to prove, without prejudice.
We hold the power to change the story we tell our egos
about ourselves,
about our skills,
about our potential,
about desires,
etc…
Therefore, we — with practice — control the fragile foundation
of an age-old theory
that is “mind over matter.”
Your ego holds value, and is among the resources you can utilize to help keep yourself in tremendous mental health.
But it is always there and
always doing something.
It is always gluttonous and
always wants to be fed...
Take care to feed it a healthy diet of the truth you want to live.
Your ego is essential.
~
~
Note:
These concepts uncorked following sessions with my medical massage therapist.
He happens to be one of the most pragmatically zen humans I know, and my time with him tends to produce some intensely enjoyable philosophical conversations — he's the only therapist I've ever enjoyed conversing with me throughout my massage.
For example, today's conversation spanned topics including the past's influence on the future, the impact of perspective, ego, and the limitless potential to train dogs across a variety of roles.
For elite body work — and challenging convo if you’re up for it — in Tulsa, OK:
Chuck Fluker at urmassage.com
Good Vibrations
If you want to get the best out of other people, operate on a frequency that is a match for their best work.
If you want to get the clients that are best suited to you, operate on your best frequency…
and only that frequency.
A plenitude of aphorisms on this topic enjoy widespread use; “Birds of a feather,” “One good turn,” “The world loves a lover,” “You are the company you keep,” “Two peas in a pod,” etc…
They’re called good vibrations for a reason.
Have some.
Tempered Urgency — Calm in Chaos
Emergencies pass.
I don’t mean the life-threatening variety.
First responders, soldiers, and families whose loved ones’ lives are at risk see real emergencies.
I mean the manufactured emergencies…
When staplers go flying across rooms
and stress levels reach the stratosphere.
When people lose the sense of decorum or humanity that brought them together — made them a great team.
When you desperately need the people around you to perform perfectly in order to rescue themselves…
and you.
Those emergencies are usually the products of your past.
Not your present.
In the world’s most popular and successful Brazilian Jiu Jitsu curriculum, a core mental tenet is taught in every class… remain calm in the chaos; not losing is winning.
Think back on some of the emergencies that you’ve experienced in the last year or two or five…
My hypothesis is that those emergencies were either problems whose solutions were found, problems that never truly manifested because they were avoided at one of several checkpoints, or they were issues that you managed to find a way to live with.
Given these facts, and buoyed with the knowledge that every single (manufactured) emergency that will arise today will be a fading footnote in your memory bank a year from now, will you enter the next situation differently?
The panic is the problem, not the problem.
Be Specific
I have always admired Ferrari cars.
My favorite model is the Enzo.
Last I checked, to own the one I like most would set me back more than $1 million after tag, tax, and title.
Not long ago, I accepted a personal discovery...
While I have a handful of wealth goals, owning a Ferrari is not among them.
Surprise. I just don't want it.
Don't get me wrong, I'd still enjoy going for a drive in an Enzo every once in a while — maybe take it to the local Nürburgring imitation course for a few intense laps. But the day to day investment of time and energy that would be required post-purchase is not something I'm excited to make. So, the truth is that I don't really want a Ferrari. I would much rather have a vehicle that I don’t have to put too much physical or emotional energy into — or no vehicle at all.
I want this vehicle.
I do not want that one.
And that's okay.
The value of this discovery is that I can extrapolate its components and apply the principles to other considerations — I can hone in on what are truly important goals and direct my energy toward achieving them. When I imagine what it looks like to have that car, house, time, or material possession it’s a lot easier to decide what to spend my resources on because the path to success is suddenly free from all that debris.
I want this house.
I do not want that house.
I want this amount of time with my family and/or friends.
I do not want to spend that time doing [insert list of distractions].
And so on…
We can do the same exercise for our businesses and careers.
What do we sell?
What do we not sell?
Whom does it benefit?
Who is not a good fit to be our customer or client?
Our company does exactly this.
We do not do that.
This person is excited about what we do.
This person is not.
And that’s okay.
Be specific.
P.S. If you have a Ferrari you’re looking to give away, I will be delighted to provide a good (albeit temporary) home for it.
Simple Pictures Are Best
Simple pictures are best.
When we sit for pictures, it's easy to get caught up in the whirlwind of
what clothes to wear and
is the wind calm and
are the pets looking at the camera and
did we frame the tree/beach/sunset/house/park/mural/skyline and
etcetera, etcetera, ad infinitum...
All the while losing sight of the intent
to capture a snapshot of
these people
in this moment
with this glimmer in their eyes.
Extrapolate to business situations as inspired...
Simple pictures are best.
Leveraging the Feeling of Unity
I was listening to a business webinar on the topic of how our human emotions play a vital role in the decisions we make in every area of our lives — because it was a business seminar, the focus in this case was how we make decisions to buy things.
Among the main concepts or constructs was the Feeling of Unity; when we feel included or unified in some way with the person or company that is giving advice or selling a product, we tend to be more willing to follow that advice or to buy that product.
Examples of unification included pop-culture fan groups, family, sports team fan groups, etc…
In fact, at one point the speaker revealed that she and her family are all fans of the same soccer team in England that I am. In my mind, as she was revealing this fact, in the midst of describing how to leverage the Feeling of Unity, I was literally thinking, “How awesome, I am going to listen to more of her webinars.”
I was living an example of how the Feeling of Unity can make a person feel good and encourage them to interact with your brand more.
But my main takeaway is more about what she didn’t do. She didn’t ask me to join an exclusive club, or offer her advice only to a limited number of people, or force me to make a decision that would evoke my fear of missing out. She shared an innocuous bit of personal, humanizing information — the kind of information that millions of people all over the world can relate to — that made me more inclined to continue my relationship with her.
A Feeling of Unity doesn’t have to come at a cost for your customers or you.
It can create just the spark you need to kindle a relationship.
The benefits can last a long, long time.